Celebrating Marriage: Couples, Experts Agree Upon its Lifelong Benefits
By Amy Morgan
More than a Golden Anniversary — Evelyn and Nathaniel Thomas have been married for 51 years.
The retired schoolteachers met as students at Southwest Texas State University. Nathaniel, a basketball player from Indiana, noticed Evelyn coming out of the dining hall and made it his business to meet her. The two married the December after graduation, and Nathaniel whisked his bride away from her close-knit San Antonio family to the Midwest, then eventually California where they settled.
The Thomases realized early on they needed help overcoming the differences in their background that created friction in their marriage. Like many, they turned to their church, where they were strengthened and encouraged in the Lord, the fruit of which spilled into their marriage.
“We got involved in the church to learn how to study God’s word the right way,” Nathaniel said. “As we began to apply those principles, it enhanced our marriage and repaired some of the things we were going through. Once we found out what Christ can do in our relationship and marriage, we got serious about that.”
“We saw what a marriage relationship can be with Christ as the head, and we had passion to disciple others and pass it on,” Evelyn added. “We are rooted and grounded in the word of God.” The Thomases have counseled couples and taught pre-marital classes since 1990, first in California, then through True Vision Church when they relocated to San Antonio in 2005. They obtained master’s degrees in counseling from University of La Verne in 2000 and are pursuing certification through the Biblical Counseling & Coaching Institute.
Their best advice: “Your personal relationship with the Lord is first and foremost. Then put the other person before yourself. Some people call it the Golden Rule, but it’s really God’s law,” Evelyn said. Nathaniel agreed, “Get rid of selfish moods and be ready and willing to share with and cooperate with the other person. Go in with a loving heart and be intentional about making marriage last and be fun.”
The retired couple spends 95% of their time together, they report, teaching a pre-marital course they created from the wisdom they’ve learned. For fun, they enjoy road trips together to see new sights. And their faces still light up when they reminisce about how they met.
“Your marriage can be beautiful and wonderful,” Evelyn said.
Prolific writer and speaker Jim Burns, Founder and President of HomeWord, and his wife, Cathy, have been married close to 50 years. He’s run HomeWord since 1985, selling more than 2 million copies of books and resources that reach thousands of people in 30 languages across the world. Jim recently spoke at WinShape marriage about what it takes to do marriage well, encouraging listeners that most games are won in the second half.
What does finishing strong look like? Jim listed several attributes that define a good second half marriage: emotional wholeness, relational connections with others (spouse, children, and friends), spiritual intimacy, vocational purpose and passion.
Do you have life mentors? Replenishing relationships? You become like the people you hang around with. Jim recommends couples read one marriage book a year together and commit to a weekly date night.
He advises people to declutter their life choices and throw off the things that hinder, sharing a quote from Jack Hayford, “I had to say no to good things to say yes to the most important things.” Take time to slow down and listen to your soul. “A healthy soul brings goodness to your life, healthy relationships and an intimate marriage. An unhealthy soul brings clutter and chaos, brokenness and pain.”
Running the marital race with endurance brings to mind grit, which Jim describes as doing whatever it takes to make your top priorities your top priorities. He reminds couples to “Keep their eyes on the prize” and asks them if they have a common goal. Lastly, he encourages spouses to continue to serve each other selflessly.
Following these guidelines can be rewarding. “According to a recent study, the most sexually satisfied couples are in their fifties and sixties.” Scott Kedersha, Marriage and Family Pastor at Harris Creek Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, explains how sharing years of communication, trust, love, spiritual intimacy and commitment will deepen sexual intimacy.
Krystal and Marquis Cox have been married for nine years and are raising two preschoolers. They serve young adults ages 25-35 at San Antonio’s Community Bible Church. Their work inspired them to start More to Marriage online ministry in 2019 as a resource for young couples.
The Coxes enjoy the young adult demographic, as it’s the time of life when people are laying the groundwork for what they want to do, who they want to be and are finding the person they are going to be married to for the rest of their life, Marquis said. He and Krystal have found they have many opportunities to positively influence people as they are dating, courting, attending pre-marital classes and moving into marriage.
The two met in 2012 when Krystal heard Marquis speak on Youth Sunday at her home church. His message resonated with her heart, “I felt like he was reading my diary,” she said, and it didn’t take much convincing when a mutual friend invited her to join the youth group at Applebee’s after the service. When they went on their first date, the two realized they had grown up barely half a mile away from each other, but since they had attended out-of-district, rival high schools, they had never met.
The 21-year-olds spent time getting to know each other in groups, as Marquis was serving as a youth pastor, and they wanted to start their relationship off on the right foot and be mindful of the example they set for the church. He proposed at his 23rd birthday party, and they were married shortly thereafter.
Marquis’ vulnerability was a key attribute that attracted Krystal. He’d admit, “‘This is where I struggle,’ ‘This is my vision.’ He was a man of purpose and direction and the type of person I wanted to tether myself to,” she said.
Marquis’ smile broadens when he talks about marriage: “When a dating couple comes up and tells me they are thinking of marriage I tell them, ‘My marriage is the best part of my life!’ I genuinely mean it. It is a wonderful thing. Krystal is my best friend – someone I can count on to have my back and love me. I love to leave work and come home to her.”
The motto of their More to Marriage ministry is “Getting more out of marriage starts with giving more to your marriage.” When you both are giving, no one is missing out on anything, Krystal said. Vulnerability still plays a keep role. More to Marriage recently hosted an event about cultivating vulnerability with one’s spouse. “Even though we are married, we can feel so distant and far from each other if we don’t have that intimacy of deep vulnerability,” Krystal said. They feel God has called them to be on the front lines to encourage others to pursue deep connection and hold space for grace.
Marquis and Krystal enjoy dates at Top Golf or comedy shows. They also suggest a progressive date where they try new restaurants for appetizers, dinner and dessert. With two small children, sometimes the date is at home “spending quality time in the company of the person you love.” And they recommend couples’ conversation cards to keep spouses learning about each other.
“We love marriage and know the positive ripple effect of what marriage does for our children and society. It’s bigger than ourselves,” Marquis said. “If there were a silver bullet to answer the world’s problems, it would be healthy, biblically based marriages.”
Dr. Brad Wilcox, Professor of Sociology and Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, advises couples to start with a good foundation: commit for the long haul, work through their finances, practice consideration of one another, use kind words and keep regular date nights. He also recommends couples find mentors and surround themselves with a community of likeminded peers, because behavior is contagious.
Brad believes marriages are most likely to survive and thrive when husbands and wives aim for ways to serve each other and work as a team. It turns out being generous and caring for others makes people happy. “Husbands and wives who embrace a mutual sacrificial ethic and a team spirit tend to be more happily and stably married.”
Brad’s research revealed five pillars that encourage marital success:
Commitment: What is the strongest predictor of a high-quality marriage? Family scholars, led by psychologist Samantha Joel, found that the best predictor of a relationship’s success is “perceived partner commitment.” So, make and keep vows of “’Til death do us part.”
Communion: The “We” before “Me” approach. This spirit of togetherness is marked by sharing last names, bank accounts and regular date nights. Research revealed husbands and wives who have a date night at least once a month are the happiest. Moreover, a National Marriage Project report showed that the probability of divorce for couples who set aside such “couple time” at least once a week was about 25 percent less, over a five- year period, than of those who did not have such regular couple time.
Community: Birds of a feather flock together. Couples who surround themselves with likeminded, family-first peers are more likely to thrive. Membership in a religious congregation also provides a ready-made support system for marriage and families.
Children: Prioritizing the welfare of their children is also a mark of successful, family-first marriages. Husbands and wives who view raising children as a primary goal in life and spend a lot of time with their children are generally happier in their marriages and less prone to divorce.
Cash: A steady income source lends stability to a marriage.
The week culminating with Valentine’s Day, Feb. 7-14, is designated National Marriage Week to celebrate and promote marriage. The 2024 theme is Love Beyond Words.
No great success is achieved in one moment, but rather in deposits and investments of time, commitment, dedication, intentionality, and action. The same goes with marriage. Living faithfully to the vows made on our wedding day is a Love Beyond Words.
“Marriage is a daily choice of actions that both parties in the relationship take to not only make it work, but make it thrive,” says Carl Caton, President and Founder of the San Antonio Marriage Initiative and Managing Director of National Marriage Week USA. We believe there are three healthy rhythms that couples can practice to live out their love beyond words: connect daily, date weekly, and get away regularly.
The website, www.MarriageWeek.org, puts resources in the hands of couples so they can grow. An updated Couples Connection Guide is a free, downloadable booklet that provides conversation starters to help people talk about their marriage and be on the same page. Locally, many churches will piggyback on National Marriage Week to kickstart their spring marriage offerings.
